Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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