we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
