I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
