I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
