i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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