Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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