On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
