Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
