Cold hands, warm shart.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize