why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
