Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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