This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
