i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize