Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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