PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
