I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
