Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
