I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
