it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
