We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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