yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
