I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
