VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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