I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
