no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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