How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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