I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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