omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
