If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Need sex. Gaining weight.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
