After last night, I could never be a politician.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Who died my cat blue again?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
