All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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