meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
