Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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