He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize