That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
