I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
