i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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