One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
