pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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