I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
