The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
