i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
