dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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