Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
