the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
