I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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