i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
