: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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