One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
