the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
