So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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