just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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