these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
