fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can I color on your dick again?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
