She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize