Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
