He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
