The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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