Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
