Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
