im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
