Can Purell be used as lube?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize