Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just cropdusted the office
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
